Are you thinking of getting a roommate for the New Year?
A roommate can be a fantastic blessing or the most stressful part of your life.
I’m a big fan of roommates and of making your relationship with your roommate more than just existing together in the same house. It can be such a beautiful and fulfilling relationship for singles.
However, roommates aren’t always easy and there’s no guarantee it will work out when people move in. I was incredibly blessed to find four people I loved living with and I still get to live life with them today. But it wasn’t always like that.
My first roommate was a lovely girl who happened to be a Christian too. We got along, there were no problems but we didn’t become best friends. I was young and shy so I never talked about roommate expectations with her or what she wanted for our house. Especially the first year, I was awkward and would hide in my room waiting to make dinner until she was done cooking in our super tiny kitchen. I wasn’t really sure how to be a roommate or what this relationship should look like.
It took years for me to make the roommate situation successful and I never got it perfectly right.
I eventually moved in with my best friend. Everyone cautioned us against this and that it would ruin our friendship but I’m glad we didn’t listen. We lived together happily for seven years and she’s still part of my roommate family. Slowly but surely the other three girls joined us as we formed our community house. This led to some of the sweetest times of my life.
My roommates were the most influential people in my life.
They were the people who inspired me to read my Bible more, embrace opportunities, ask important questions, to pray expectantly, and expand our community further. We got each other through breakups and rejections, doubts and fears and hopes, funerals and weddings. We had a lot of fun and so much laughter together. I’m incredibly grateful for those times.
Those four were definitely roommates worth keeping. We’ve still talked about living together even though three of them are married now. I’ve had lots of roommate experience, 12 years to be exact (though I live alone now).
Here’s my tips for finding a roomie worth keeping:
1. Determine Your Non-Negotiables
The first step is figuring out your own expectations for your house/roommate situation. Do you want people over all the time and to make it a community house? Or do you want your home to be your safe, quiet, relaxing place? Would you like a chore schedule? Do you want to meet with your roommates regularly to discuss house things and/or hang out? Any of these options are great, but you’ll run into huge problems if you’re not on the same page with your roommate.
Remember no one will be perfect so give people a chance. Figure out what your non-negotiables are and what is just a preference, then make sure your non-negotiables and a couple preferences match with every potential roommate.
2. Check Your Network
If you don’t know someone looking for a roommate personally, then get a recommendation from a friend who thinks the two (or more) of you would legitimately do well together. It’s like being set up on a blind date. If your friend knows you well, they’ll know if you’ll have basic compatibility with their other friend and be able to help arrange a meeting.
If you’re moving to a new city and don’t know anyone, reach out to local churches. University students do this all the time at my church. Often people are looking for another person to fill their house. Worst case you’ll have connections with some other christian people, even if you choose not to live together.
3. Define the Relationship (DTR)
I’ve talked about this before in my 3 Tips to Move From Casual Friends to Deep Community. DTR isn’t just for dating relationships. Having the DTR conversation for a potential roommate is crucial too. This is all about setting expectations and matching up those non-negotiables. Go out for coffee with the potential roommate to figure out if you are on the same page about what you want your relationship and house to be like.
I never recommend committing to a roommate relationship with a stranger even if they are from a church or someone you’re being “set-up” with. Which means this step is crucial if you don’t actually know the person, but it’s also crucial if the person is your friend. Regardless, you need to go for coffee before committing to live together. Agree that either party can back out without any hurt feelings. Then stay true to that if you feel something is off, or they don’t want to room with you. A couple coffees might be necessary if you’ve never met the person before.
4. Live With More Than One Person
This one may not seem very important but I’d highly recommend it. I’ve been told multiple times that three to four people is the best group size. I’ve heard it from pastors, teachers and bosses. I believe it’s true for roommates too. Only having one roommate makes everything very much you vs. them; this could be about the messy house, people coming over, or any conflict. There’s a certain tension in knowing that if you didn’t leave those dirty dishes out, then it was them. The third person adds a whole new dynamic and buffer to the house that is really beneficial. Jesus basically had 12 roommates during his ministry years on earth, but 12 might be a bit much for you. 😉
5. Put it in Writing
It might sound a little intense but putting some sort of agreement together is wise. Not that it has to be a binding contract, but since you’ve talked about your expectations you might as well write them down. These serve as a reminder and a standard that everyone agrees to. At work we had culture statements which outlined what was expected of us in regards to the way we treated each other. Some companies have core values that staff are held to. No matter what you call them, putting the expectations in writing makes everyone accountable to each other for upholding them.
6. Don’t Rush It.
Take your time, it’s an important decision. If you see any red flags in a potential roommate, bring them up and if it is going to be an issue, DO NOT proceed. Just like a relationship it’s easier to say no now rather than later when your emotions and so much more is involved! There isn’t just one good roommate that everyone is fighting over, you can take your time and make a wise decision; it is worth it.
7. Pray About It!
This is my final tip and also the reason I wouldn’t live with someone who wasn’t a believer. For me, living with a non-christian most likely would not work because my house goals would be inspired by looking like the early church; inviting people in, worshipping together, praying together, eating together and just generally being Jesus-focused together. I would want to know that my roommate and I were both seeking Jesus in any house decisions, conflict or decisions about our relationship.
Roommates can be a vital part of your community. They can help you feel less lonely, keep you accountable, help grow your relationship with Jesus, celebrate big and small occasions with you, bring lots of joy and provide so many more benefits. Roommates (even the ones who didn’t become family) were such a blessing to me for 12 years. To be honest I still regularly consider living with a roommate again.
I hope these tips help you find a roomie worth keeping that you can live your life with! Stay tuned for a post on how to keep the great roomie you found. 🤔
Live your life, with a roomie!
Mindy
P.S. Did you see how many similarities there were between considering a dating relationship and finding a roommate? I didn’t have a significant other when I lived with my roommate family; they were the closest people in my life by far. Maybe that’s why it felt like I went through four divorces as my roommate house disbanded!!
References:
- When my roommate goes home meme: https://blog2.roomiapp.com/us/roommate-memes/
- Somewhere out there is a roommate meme: https://twitter.com/Roomiapp/status/1466406936648241158
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