Is it just me or do other singles struggle to talk to married people, particularly those older than them? I enjoy talking about people’s kids, jobs and houses, but often I feel like married people aren’t sure what to talk to me about! Since my church is bursting with families, this contributes to me feeling like I don’t belong in the church as a single. 

If you read part one of Single in the Church then you know I deeply value the Church, families, and singles. As I write this, summer is coming to a close and I’ve been away many weekends, which means I’ve missed church for many weeks. I genuinely miss it and the people there. I also recognize there are flaws in every church, just like there are flaws in every person. A recurring flaw is how churches interact with singles. 

A Common Feeling

What I hear commonly from singles in the church is that they don’t feel like they belong. Even if they have friends, community, and serve in the church, singles are still saying they’re not sure where they fit. Can you relate? 

If you’ve been in the same church for a long time but all your friends are married now, you can feel out of place. Or if the married at 21 pastor preaches on singleness, it’s frustrating. When the women’s ministry dotes on the pregnant woman but never invites you in, you feel overlooked. Or when every sermon and illustration is directed to married people, you feel ignored. If the small groups are all for couples and families, you feel isolated.  

Sense of Belonging

The desire singles have is to feel like they belong in the church. And it’s not just singles, a sense of belonging is an emotional need. Forbes defined belonging as “that feeling of connectedness to a group or community. It’s the sense that you’re part of something. You feel attached, close and thoroughly accepted.”¹ To feel connected, attached and accepted takes effort on your part. You may feel you belong at one church more than another, but it still takes time and energy to fully develop a sense of belonging.   

In part one I talked about the purpose of the Church (body of Christ): to build up the body and spread the gospel beyond the walls of individual churches. Whether they like it or not, every SINGLE believer belongs in the Church because they’re part of the body of Christ. Which means every SINGLE believer has a responsibility to help build the body. Making disciples with the support of a community is the “something” you are part of regardless of your relationship status. Singles don’t just belong but are vital to the church; the body depends on singles growing in Christ and spreading the gospel. 

Why Singles Feel Like They Don’t Belong in the Church

Yet knowing that purpose isn’t enough for singles to feel like they belong. One reason is because singleness is rarely spoken from the stage and it’s even rarer to hear about it from a single. If you asked any church goer or leader if singles belong in the church, their answer would be yes! But that is rarely communicated from the platform (physical or social media). Most examples and applications in sermons I hear are directed to the relationship between spouses or parents and their children. Few are directed to singles specifically or the relationship between friends, something everyone can relate to. If singles are addressed it’s usually in the context of university students, which overlooks those of us single and older than 25. 

Annie F. Downs surveyed singles and found 65% don’t feel supported by their church. Which makes sense, the church directs so much of its resources, ministries and support towards families. Every church I go to has kids programming of some kind. Churches will have ministries for youth and schools, marriage conferences, vacation Bible schools and father-son camping trips. Even if there’s a singles ministry, the abundance of support is directed towards families. These are good ministries but the tipping of the scales towards families contributes to singles feeling unsupported and like they don’t belong in the church.  

How Did It Happen

This happens when we forget our purpose as a church. Without purpose people stop feeling like they belong to something. It’s like the church subtly shifted its purpose to marriage and children. Which is one way to make disciples but it’s not the only way, and not necessarily the best way. The church has also shifted to develop ministries for every demographic, with their own purpose. This can isolate demographics (such as singles) which is ineffective for belonging and unity in church.

Singles lose their sense of belonging when the church moves away from Jesus as the head of the Church. When a lead pastor takes the place of Jesus as head of the church people get hurt, overlooked, excluded and frustrated, and the church shrinks… which is completely contradictory to its purpose. 

Another reason this happens is because our struggle is not against flesh and blood but spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.² Satan lies and deceives. He may be influencing the leaders of your church in a way that’s causing singles to feel less than. Or Satan could be lying to you and saying you don’t belong, even when your church has fully accepted and equipped singles. Both would lead to the church being less effective and Satan being happy. But we can fight against him and it’s always more powerful to fight as an army than a lone soldier. 

It Takes the Church to Fix the Church. 

Church leadership bears responsibility for a lot, including making an effort to include singles. However, no one taught pastors how to communicate to singles. So there has to be some grace; we’re all human and still learning. A church can do everything in their power to make singles feel like they belong, but singles may still say they feel out of place. It takes EVERYONE to create a healthy, united church community.

As a single you also have responsibility. You’re in charge of your own thoughts, emotions and actions. Which means your sense of belonging is partially dependent on you. So here are 4 steps to help you feel like you belong in the church. 

1. Communicate 

If you want church members to know there’s singles in your church then you’re going to have to start talking to them. I mean on the basic, small talk level. StarttTalking to people who are married, younger than you, older than you, brand new to church, everyone! Get to know the people in your congregation. They’ll learn single people are looking to get connected and you’ll learn more about your church community. 

Once you’ve done that you can start talking more specifically about your needs and feelings as a single. To lead into that conversation ask them if they feel like they belong in the church? Every person is different so what makes you feel included or isolated may be unique from the single beside you. But if you don’t communicate your feelings, people will never know and never be able to help.

The next level of communication is to talk to your church leaders. Tell them you are struggling as a single to fit into the church and share what you think they could do to help singles belong. Give them an example of how they’ve brushed over singleness or addressed it in a harmful manner. If you don’t feel like you can talk to your lead pastor, evaluate why. But choose an associate pastor, elder or ministry lead to communicate with instead.

2. Contribute Don’t Consume.

This is a key to belonging in the church. You may remember from last week, the purpose of the church is not to serve MY needs. Though by investing in my church, my needs are met. I am there to serve God and the church community. This looks like volunteering and learning more about your giftings. It looks like praying regularly for the church. A necessary step is finding a smaller group to be more intentional and discuss your faith with. That’d be a great group to talk about being single in the church with!  

The biggest step to me being a contributor was becoming a member of my specific church. I’d been going there for 12 years but never did membership class. It was a very simple step but as soon as I became a member, I felt empowered to contribute more. I went to the AGM with questions to ask, not just to watch the meeting happen. I also met with pastors to share my concerns and opinions (which I’m sure they loved 😂). Even if people didn’t agree, by contributing I felt I belonged and had a purpose in my specific church. Change your mindset, because you will never feel like you belong if you are a consumer of church. You are an indispensable church contributor.

3. Connect With Other Singles 

Unless your church has 15 people, there’s going to be another single in it. Be on the lookout for other singles to connect with (not specifically for the purpose of dating). Part of belonging is feeling like you’re not alone. When you meet other singles you’ll realize you’re not the only one. Even if the only other single is an 80 year old widow, take care of her! If you go to church with the goal of helping other singles belong, you’ll start feeling like you belong too.  

4. Contact Me 🙂  

Your last step is to help me out. Okay I admit this may not help you feel like you belong in the church. BUT it may in the future help others feel like they belong. I want to write a future post more directed towards leaders and married church-goers on how to include singles in the church. In order to do that I need your help!

While writing this series on singles and the church I realized it’s a much larger topic that I wanted to dive into. Which means talking to more people about it. My church is just one tiny blood vessel in the body of Christ so I want to hear from people outside of that blood vessel too. Please comment below, head to the contact page, or go to instagram and DM me (lookout for some polls on this topic this week) with your answer to these questions: How do you feel as a single in the church? And how could the church encourage your sense of belonging? If you’re reading this and married now, you can still let me know how you felt when you were single in the church. Thanks in advance for your contributions! 

You DO Belong in the Church

Now back to the main issue: as singles we don’t just BELONG in Church, we are NEEDED in the Church. We must fight against the enemy’s lie that our relationship status has anything to do with our belonging. Singles have gifts, talents, and passions that the Church needs to fulfill its purpose. And those gifts, talents and passions aren’t meant to be kept to ourselves or contained inside a church building. Jesus commissioned the Church body to go make disciples and preach the gospel throughout the world. Trying to fulfill God’s plan for the Church without singles, is like trying to walk without muscles.

Singles are part of God’s plan. God’s plan is the Church. Singles belong in the church. You are single. Therefore, YOU belong in the church.

Live your life,

Mindy

References:

1. Brower, Tracy. “Missing Your People: Why Belonging is so Important and How to Create It.” Forbes, 10 January 2021, www.forbes.com/sites/tracybrower/2021/01/10/missing-your-people-why-belonging-is-so-important-and-how-to-create-it/. Accessed 28 August 2024.  
2. Downs, Annie, guest. “Annie F. Downs on the Opportunities Churches Are Missing With Single Men and Women.” Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast, Pocket Casts app, 16 April 2024.
3. Ephesians 6:12. The Bible. New International Version, Zondervan, 2011.